Biograph (poem) by Arun Kolatkar

Knotting the cord, the midwife said,
It’s a boy, it’s a boy, it’s a boy.
Piercing an earlobe, the goldsmith said,
Two bucks, just two bucks.

Syringe in hand, the nurse said,
It’s not gonna hurt, not a bit.
Measuring my dick, Baban said,
Mine’s bigger, bigger than yours.

Punching my back, Baban said,
My dad can lick your dad.
Kicking my shin, Baban said,
Sissy, a sissy, what a sissy you are.

Pressing her toes against mine, Bunny said,
Bicycle, bicycle, let’s play bicycle
Rubbing spittle on my tummy, Bunny said,
Doctor, doctor, let’s play doctor

Tickling my ribs, Bunny said,
Come on in, between the sheets
Boxing my ears, a teacher said,
How much is thirty three times thirty eight?

Rapping my knuckles, a teacher said,
And where’s Sheffield then? Where’s Sheffield?
Squeezing my thigh, a teacher said,
Let’s go to the mango grove.

Twisting my neck, the barber said,
Don’t move now, don’t move.
Measuring my chest, the tailor said,
Thirty one inches, just thirty one.

Forcing my foot into the shoe, the cobbler said,
Use it, and it won’t be so tight
Jumping on my back, junior said,
Giddyup, giddyup.

Giving me the boot, my boss said,
I can’t help it Mr. Nene, I just can’t.
Grabbing my cock, my wife said,
I’ll chop it off one day, just chop it off.

Feeling my balls, a doctor said, Hydrocele, I’m sure it’s hydrocele.
Sticking a pin in my toe, another said,
Leprosy, you can take it from me, it’s leprosy.
Tapping my stomach, a third one said, Ulcer, ulcer, no doubt about it.

Stepping on my toes, a guy said,
Sorry man, I’m sorry.
Sticking an umbrella in my eye, another said, I hope you aren’t hurt.
Bearing down on me, full tilt, a trucker said,
Can’t you see where you going you motherfucker?